Video Games and Perfectionism
I’d like to write in today about how video games have altered my perceptions of the world. I grew up playing video games from a very young age, and there have been both positive and negative aspects to this. Video games were my outlet, they were my safe space where my parents would not intrude. I invested myself into the stories, I pretended the in-game characters were my friends. I loved the stories that the games told, and I often cried at the endings. Video games also gave me a strong love for video game soundtracks and Japanese culture. I sometimes played games to perfection, but that definitely was not what I primarily got out of games. I got some emotional fulfillment from the characters, worlds, and music as well.
However, as I grew older, games became something else entirely, or rather, they became solely about the challenge. I would play games to challenge myself, because other challenges in life were simultaneously too “risky”, or I was just afraid of failure. I got into rhythm games, and I started playing in search of the elusive perfect score. I developed an almost philosophy about gaming: I convinced myself that “real gamers have no interest in competing with others or having fun, the real reward is in improving yourself.”
Gaming became some sort of perfectionist nightmare, where I could not enjoy myself unless I was perfect. And I was never perfect. I managed to get very good at rhythm games indeed. And I always played JRPGs on hard mode, because it became a point of pride to not “be a scrub” and play on easy mode like a games journalist. I was searching for a sense of superiority to mask my low self-esteem. I just wanted that “achievement” and would be unable to stop playing until I got there. Once I got there, I would not be happy, I would merely “be ok”, and in fact, sometimes when I got some arbitrary achievement I would instead get depressed. Look at all that effort I put in getting here, and now I got here, so now what? Whats the point of this anyways? I would just hate myself instead of being happy.
When I play rhythm games, every time I miss a note I feel it physically. And if I fail a song, I pretend to laugh it off, but instead I actually hate myself.
My self-worth was, for a very long time, defined by my abilities: at video games, at work, and at being a loyal friend. I would take all of these seriously, too seriously. I would be unable to merely enjoy myself, and I had to be perfect at all three of these things. I had to be a perfect IT guy, even to the point of using “IT guy” as my nickname. I had to be perfect at difficult video games, and I could not say anything mean/stand up to a friend, no matter how much he/she deserved it. I was such a loyal friend that unloyal friends really shocked me. I expected everyone to take me as seriously as I was willing to take them, but I was hanging out with people younger than me, who were incapable of taking anything seriously. These people, while not giving me the social life that I wanted and needed, taught me that I was taking everything too seriously.
My therapist also told me that I need a “challenge”, and I took him waaaaay too seriously. What I needed was not a challenge. What I needed was a slow and steady progression. Not an achievement, but a journey. Everything about me is programmed to be a perfectionist. I am always very nitpicky about buying things. Very nitpicky about saving money. Constantly thinking about life goals to the point where I cannot even attempt to start those respective journeys. For example, I would like to get married. But that goal and the massive undertaking and dating rules to get there are too much, so I just dont want to even try or get started.
I told myself I want to study IT stuff. But I always see the entire massive glob of stuff that I need to do to get to the goal of “IT certification”. And when I see the massive glob of stuff all at once in my minds eye, I feel I can’t achieve that, so I get afraid of failure and stop before I even start. It’s not easy for me to talk about this.
I’ve always been afraid to just sit and relax. I always feel like I need to be Doing something, and that if I’m not, I’m just wasting my life. But this attitude has made me even less efficient. I have become incapable of Doing anything at all, and am so completely burned out and anxious that thinking about doing work stresses me out.
I used to tell myself, “I know I am smart, and therefore technically capable, so I should always be able to do xxx”. The “always” part of that made me so very stressed and, while it may have built up a tiny bit of feeling of self-efficacy, it destroyed my self-esteem and made me shame-based and depressed. Therapy also taught me “I cannot change others, but I can change myself”. Which made me become perfectionist about improving myself. For example, wanting to get better at standing up to people, and therefore becoming incapable of it. Everytime I would be in a situation where I wanted to stand up to someone, I would think of it like a pass/fail test that reflected only on me and my own…worthiness. Which is of course is a way to guarantee my own failure and shame.
Perfectionism…. defines my life. For this I am also ashamed. I feel like this too is my fault. I feel like I am so very behind in life, everyone else is getting jobs and getting married and doing what they want to do. Maybe. I think. It seems I blame myself….always. Do I have to throw out my entire life and start over? I feel closer to suicide now more than I have in a long time. Perfectionism is literally killing me, and I feel utterly incapable of doing anything about it. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. Not games, not movies, not even friends or music.
